Sunday, September 10, 2006

The feeling of confusion

I have had a total of 10 hours of MSN time in two days with this girl that I recently got to know. I am not sure if this is a sign of anything. I pretend I don't know anything. I was missing someone that has recently departed Sydney now all of a sudden, someone else has come into frame. This issue is both profound and perplexing and sometimes, it consumes all of my thoughts.

Sometimes I am confused. I am totally out of touch with myself. I don't know what I want in life. Is there such thing as a goal? A definate goal? Or is the goalpost always changing? I sometimes put so much effort in creating this goal and just as I am about to shoot to score, the goal post suddenly shifts. And I have to work hard all over again.

In my philosophy class, I learnt about the meaning of life. My tutor gave me the example of Sisyphus. After incurring the wrath of the Gods, Sisyphus is banished to a mundane task of pushing a rock up a hill. He will push to a point just before the top of the hill where it will roll back down. He does this repeatedly and the same thing occurs. No matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to push the rock beyond the top of the hill. This is how I feel right now.

I feel that no matter how hard I push this rock called love, it comes rolling back down to square one again. There is just no penetration and sometimes I feel very frustrated. Is it fate that condemns someone to such? You work so hard, commit so much and then only to see that you are about to achieve the goal but everything returns to normality again.

My friend has such a predicament as well. He likes this girl in his class and he works hard in getting her out. The first time he asked her he was filled with hope. He believed that things were possible but after some unforseen circumstances, the girl somehow was not as receptive as he thought her to be. Today, he was banking real hard that she will go out with him but again she turned it down. It's this mixed signals of hope in between that makes these rejection downright awful and I know exactly how he feels. Similarly, its tied to the story of Sisyphus.

So what's the meaning of life? Is life about confusion? Is life about being with someone you really like? Is life about being rejected by someone you really like? Or is life about going through the motions, living for the day and dying eventually with a pigeonhole as you resting place in Mandai Crematorium? I can't answer that and I don't think anybody can.

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