I write this entry dated today in a depressed state of mind. Its the Chinese New Year and everyone is so happy except me. I smile and laugh but deep inside me, I guess I am just putting on a front. A facade that is as vulnerable as a bubble.
I am 20 going on 21. All my friends around me are now happily building their lives. It has been 2 years since I have started my university and I have seen alot of people who have found their other half. My close friends are all attached and their boyfriends cannot be better. I mean I am so envious sometimes. When I wish them well, I admire and am jealous of them at the same time. Why am I part of their clique and yet boys choose them over me? Look at J, She has such a wonderful boyfriend and it comes to a point when I think it just sucks seeing the both of them going out together.
J told me once that now that her boyfriend has enlisted, she wants to accept his draft and walk through army life with him. She understands that they may not be able to spend so much time together anymore and that she would try her best to enjoy every single minute of the precious little time that they have together. I told her she would survive this draft and that after his two years, they would still be together and as loving as before. She smiled and thank me for the confidence. I gave a smile, a hollow smile that seem to show that I supported her only on the surface. I mean she can love her boyfriend for all I care but what about me? I want someone that I can depend on too! And now J and her clique are the only people that I am emotionally dependent on. How dare J's boyfriend snatch my precious emotional dependency?
I am depressed and sad. I dunno why. Probably I have been sad for too long and now everything that is tragic and sad entices me. I spend my free time watching movies. I am a movie freak and I love romantic movies. Probably too many romantic movies has created an emotional upheaval in me. I want everything to be perfect just like in the movies. I want my prince charming and I want Hugo Grant.
Recently, a boy named N who was a former schoolmate of mine started talking to me. I mean it has been like 2 years since JC days and for these 2 years we have been hardly in contact. I still warrant him as a good enough friend. After all, I did considered him as a prospect in college and although it was just a flashing crush, a crush that may not be deemed as one, my regard for him has always been there. I like his personality, his opinions and his ability to be outspoken. He is funny and a very nice guy. I think all these characteristics lead me to a fleeting crush on him. Just a slight one and nothing more.
Anyway, N talked to me online and well I like talking to friends whom I have lost touch with and he was showing exceptional concern with my life. It felt good to be able to open up my feelings to someone whom I have a high regard of. After all, he is a nice guy and I felt that he was sincere. Inevitably, he told me that he liked me. Not once but twice and that his feelings have been bottled up over the years since we met.
I was surprised, delighted and confused all at the same time. Was this true? Why did he come on to me so quickly? How much do I know about him and more importantly, HOW much does he know about me? I felt these 2 years in which I have known him, things have became dormant and without contacting someone for so long, how is it that one can know whether he has changed? Was he desperate?
I needed time and I could not accept him just like that so the two times that he asked me to progress beyond friends, I rejected him. I am confused. My emotions are now a see-saw. Did I reject him too harshly? After all, I still want to be his friend and I want to get to know him better. Progress beyond friendship is something natural and I feel that although he was a nice guy, I needed proofs of love and not just a declaration.
I waited and waited for him to do something and more depression set in. He didn't talk to me much after I rejected him and I begin to feel that he is just plain stupid. So he was a con! He didn't really like me! He did not persist and chose to toy with my feelings instead. The elation that I felt after reading his declaration of love fell two fold. I was crushed.
Dear Diary, It has been probably 2 months and I have thought long and hard about it. I don't think he love me. Who would like a depressed, melancholic soul like me? I hate him for toying with my feelings. So my gut feeling was right. He does not love me. He is not mature enough to understand the definition of love. Such a passing feeling only serve to hurt me. I am more hurt than ever.
Aiyah, I think I need to start all over. I want to start afresh. Fuck him. Fuck his feelings. He didn't care about mine in the first place. I was silly to think that someone can truly live up to my perfectionist definition of love.
Your Melancholic Soul.